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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25980460">Soul's shadow</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elenyafinwe/pseuds/Elenyafinwe'>Elenyafinwe</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Peredhil [18]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Rivendell | Imladris, Third Age</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:20:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,110</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25980460</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elenyafinwe/pseuds/Elenyafinwe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After Celebrían has sailed west, Elrond sinks deep into self-doubt and fear. Galadriel tries to take away some of the burden on his soul.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Celeborn/Galadriel | Artanis, Celebrían/Elrond Peredhel, Elrond Peredhel &amp; Galadriel | Artanis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Peredhil [18]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2077245</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Soul's shadow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            A translation of

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/13507203">Seelenschatten</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elenyafinwe/pseuds/Elenyafinwe">Elenyafinwe</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>In the following, mental illnesses are addressed, especially depression and anxiety disorders, as well as some of their symptoms. Self harm and suicidal thoughts are also addressed.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Deep in thought Elrond rubbed his wrist. He was standing at the window of his room, but he wasn't really looking out. His mind was far away.</p><p>He was back in that time shortly after Elros' death. At that time he had sought death himself, and had he not shouted out his torments, so that Gil-galad and Ceomon had noticed him, he would have succeeded. After that, with the help of his friends, he had laboriously built a wall around the darkness within him, pushing it back and hoping to forget it.</p><p>Now Celebrían had left. Terrible things had happened and the wall was cracking.</p><p>He looked at his wrists, even though the scars there had long since faded. An image flashed in his head, a knife, blood…</p><p><em>No!</em> He clenched his hands into fists and concentrated on the pain of his fingernails in the palms of his hands. That scared the image away. For the moment.</p><p>He had to be functioning now, somehow. Even if he didn't know where to get the strength from. If he didn't, the wall would crack. Maybe it would, despite everything.</p><p>Work. As long as it lasted.</p><p>He picked himself up, took a deep breath and turned away. With a look in the mirror he checked if the mask of the Lord fitted well and didn't let anything of his inner demons shine through. Then he dared to leave his chambers and face reality.</p><p>Like every day he devoted himself to the worries and needs of his people. Carrying out his duties as Lord of Rivendell helped him to ignore the gaps in his wall for a short, precious time, not having to see for a moment that he was again standing at the same abyss as after Elros' death and it only took one step to fall down. Now there was no more Galad to stop him from drowning himself in work to keep his mind from circling, which would only have brought him closer to the abyss.</p><p>Did madness look like this? Was he watching himself falling into madness just like uncle Maglor and uncle Maedhros?</p><p>A building needed repair and he was asked for help. More patrols should be sent into the surrounding country and he should inspect the troops for that. The economy should be strengthened and he should develop their trade relations. He did everything and yet he had the feeling that someone else was sitting there doing his work.</p><p>Was it not him who had recently lost his beloved wife through his own fault? How could it be expected of him that he could still rule a principality? If he was no longer able to do even the most basic things of healing, how could he still be able to carry that burden?</p><p>He noticed that he was drifting away with his thoughts and was no longer with it. But he could only pull himself up with difficulty, even at the risk of letting the monsters in his head tear down the wall.</p><p>Ceomon, who like Rethtulu was always close to him at public occasions to fulfill his role as a guard, seemed to have noticed this too. He leaned over to Elrond and touched him lightly on the shoulder. "You might want to take some time off, Lord," he whispered to him, so that the elves around him could not hear him. "Only for the moment."</p><p>Elrond paused, not quite sure what to say in reply. On the one hand, he realized that Ceomon's suggestion was not without purpose, but on the other hand, he would not admit to this weakness. Before Celebrían's ... Before what had happened to her, there would have been no need for Ceomon to make such a proposal to him.</p><p>The decision was taken away from him when, at that moment, a Lórien ambassador came to him and bowed down before him.</p><p>"Master Elrond," he greeted him, "I come with a message from the Lady Galadriel and the Lord Celeborn, who let their imminent arrival in the valley be known. They will arrive in the evening hours."</p><p>Elrond was glad of the sudden distraction. "I thank you for your information. All will be attended to the Lady and Lord of the Golden Wood and their retinue as soon as possible. You can go now, you will be taken care of too."</p><p>It was very much like Galadriel, he thought to himself. Showing up unannounced was what she was good at. But he knew of no reason for it, and he did not want to think about the one he could imagine. Hastily he pushed the thought far away from him and hoped to be able to stuff it somehow behind the crumbling wall without further increasing the damage.</p><p>What if Galadriel wanted to confront him about his failure after all?</p><p>Since it was impossible for him to forbid her entry, he preferred to concentrate on preparing everything for it. The audience was over and his household was moving to prepare everything for the new arrivals.</p><p>He noticed the worried looks Ceomon was giving him behind his back, but ignored them and acted as if nothing was wrong.</p><p>Maybe it would all stop if he just told himself that there was nothing wrong with him.</p><p>As the messenger had announced, Galadriel and Celeborn and their entourage arrived that evening. He received them at his doorstep, as was customary. Everything in him cried out to be in a place as far away as possible at that moment. Even the hawthorn tea he had drunk just before did not want to have any effect anymore.</p><p>He gritted his teeth and hoped that nobody noticed his tension. That would be the last thing he could use right now. Everything was normal, quite normal…</p><p>With a smile that hopefully did not seem artificial, he indicated a slight bow when Celebrían's parents came before him to welcome them. "<em>Elen síla lúmenn 'omentiëlvo.</em>"</p><p>Galadriel and Celeborn also returned the gesture. "We are honoured to once again enjoy your hospitality in the Last Homely House," said Celeborn.</p><p>Elrond had his guests escorted to their rooms so that they could settle in before inviting them to a small private dinner later that evening, which was also attended by Arwen and her brothers. The latter were a rare sight these days in the house, as they often stayed with the rangers to go orc hunting with them. When the newcomers had come to Rivendell, they had been with them; probably their grandparents had picked them up on their way to the valley in the wilderness and had taken them along without further ado. Elrond was a little surprised that they had been able to persuade the twins to do so. On the other hand, Galadriel was extremely assertive when it came to getting her will. Not even Elladan and Elrohir could compete with their thick skulls.</p><p>"Your arrival is quite surprising," Elrond began at dinner. "I hope I've managed to make everything to your satisfaction in such a short time."</p><p>"Do not worry about that, Elrond," Galadriel reassured him with a smile. "It is hard to imagine not feeling well in your house." Then she turned to Arwen. "It hardly seems possible, but you are indeed becoming more beautiful every day, a true reflection of your ancestor, Lúthien."</p><p>Arwen blushed slightly. "Thank you, grandmother."</p><p>"Look, dear, since you love embroidery so much, I brought you some fabrics that I woven for you." Galadriel handed her a small pile of folded cloths, which Arwen immediately looked at with enthusiasm and felt delighted.</p><p>" They are beautiful, grandmother!" she said. "Thank you!"</p><p>Galadriel smiled and then turned to Elladan and Elrohir. "But I have nothing for you two. Your father would have thrown me out if I 'spoiled you too much', as he once said."</p><p>Elladan and Elrohir snorted, but still had to grin. "But of course with Arwen, no one can say no," they teased their younger sister.</p><p>Elrond pretended not to have heard it (after all, he was told often enough that he coddled Arwen too much), and asked instead, "Now that that's settled, the question remains, what brings you to us?"</p><p>Galadriel's smile did not fade when she said, "This can wait. Let's enjoy the moment."</p><p>Elrond noted, however, that Celeborn, who had been remarkably silent until now, did not seem to be comfortable anymore. For some reason, everything suddenly became insipid to him and the mood became very much like a fake. Nevertheless he tried to play along.</p><p>Galadriel looked into his eyes, and as it was her peculiarity, she looked straight into his soul. Even though he was a ring-bearer, not even he could resist, especially not at the moment.</p><p>"<em>We'll talk later in private</em>," she conveyed to him together with a feeling of sorrow and sympathy.</p><p>Suddenly, calm was laid over his mind.</p><p>They spent the rest of the evening talking to each other, avoiding any mention of Celebrían. Elrond almost felt as if they were all performing a stage play. The calm that Galadriel had given him with Nenya had only lasted for a little while, and soon an inner restlessness seized him again. He hoped that he had soon put all this behind him so that he would not have to keep up the farce any longer.</p><p>He was grateful when it was finally over and he could flee to his rooms. How ironic that he was actually happy about it, because lately the emptiness that welcomed him here had become almost unbearable for him. But at the same time it was also a place of retreat where he could drop all masks without having to fear being seen. Exhausted, he let himself sink to his bed.</p><p>Being emotionally exhausted was a strange feeling, he thought. Being tired of all the emotions that were bothering him. Just wanting to be empty. With a sigh, he let his head sink into his hands.</p><p>A long time went by in which he just sat there and concentrated on thinking nothing when someone knocked softly on his door. That person didn't wait for him to call him in, but entered immediately and closed the door again behind him.</p><p>"Ceomon, I..." he started, but was interrupted by a gentle touch on his temple. When he looked up, he found himself facing Galadriel, who was now sitting next to him.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he said softly, and not for the first time, leaving his head hanging again.</p><p>She forced him to look at her. "But Elrond, what? There's nothing to be sorry about,' she said softly.</p><p>"I have failed…"</p><p>It wasn't the first time they had this conversation.</p><p>Without another word, she pulled him to her and gently stroked his hair. Then she started humming a song softly. A lullaby that he knew from his childhood from uncle Maglor, as he remarked in surprise.</p><p>And suddenly all the tears that he had been holding back all this time burst out of him.</p><p>"That's why I came," she said softly. "A shadow lies on your soul and even if I cannot really understand it, I want to help you to overcome it. She is my daughter too, we'll get through this together. Even if I cannot replace Maglor, who meant so much to you, I want to help you as best I can."</p><p>"I'm tired, so tired…"</p><p>"You don't always have to be strong for others. Sometimes others may be strong for you. And that means you can make mistakes, that you don't have to be perfect and flawless."</p><p>"Just this once, I shouldn't have been allowed to be."</p><p>"We are only children of llúvatar, not Eru himself. It is not ours to mold everything to our hearts' desires. So we live with what he gave us, and these are truly great gifts, the greatest of which is life itself. Don't you agree? We should enjoy what he gave us."</p><p>He fell silent and said nothing more. For quite a while tears continued to run silently down his cheeks, but she did not seem to mind that her dress was soaked. Without being distracted, she continued to stroke his hair and started her song again. Little by little his tension dissolved and he could let go of all the oppressive thoughts and emotions that were weighing on him. A small rational part told him that she was helping with Nenya because he could hardly find the strength these days to use Vilya himself. It was only a moment, but an all the more precious one that she gave him with it.</p><p>"Thank you", he whispered.</p>
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